


all our yesterdays

by hyunghoney



Series: kihyungwon bingo [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Hyungwon Is A Tour Guide, M/M, New Years, Prison, Reunions, you have to read it to get it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 10:12:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17599334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunghoney/pseuds/hyunghoney
Summary: kihyun follows the love of his life on a tour through home. hyungwon wants to prove to kihyun that he's never stopped loving him.





	all our yesterdays

**Author's Note:**

> My second fic for the KHW bingo! The fic is a little confusing but I think it'll make sense if you stick through it and hopefully be enjoyable too. ENJOY~

Kihyun feels a little out of place, surrounded by foreign tourists at the entrance of the hotel. He fiddles with the straps of his backpack, avoiding their curious gazes. Hopefully, the mostly-white families of tourists would just assume he’s some other race of Asian instead of wondering what a Korean man was joining in on a day tour of Seoul. He’d let them think what they wanted – he wouldn’t be the first Korean to awkwardly relearn about his home.  
  
He’s distracted when his phone vibrates. The screen lights up with a message from his mother.  
  
_Don’t forget to eat lunch_ _  
_ _And don’t stay cooped up in the hotel room all day_ _  
_ _I worry about you_  
  
Kihyun ignores the pang of regret that comes from seeing her messages. She’d wanted him to come home – “you’ve been gone for so long” – and had been stubborn, but he’d convinced her that he could survive on his own. He isn’t entirely helpless. His father hadn’t said anything. Kihyun suspects he was quite glad Kihyun had won that particular argument. Seeing Kihyun’s face around the family home would be a constant, ugly reminder of a mistake they’d all rather forget.  
  
It’s 7.55am according to his watch, a faded strap of black wrapped around his bony wrist. He’d had it since nearly four years ago. His father wanted nothing more than to see him throw that ratty old accessory away, but Kihyun held onto it. “It’s a gift from a friend,” he’d said, half defensive, half pleading. His father just sighed. When it comes to Kihyun, he always gave up easy.  
  
The square fills up with the remainder of the group. Kihyun counts them with his eyes, three families, a few friend groups, and him. Seventeen in total. It’s a mostly white group, barring him. They look peppy, loudly talking about their flights and all making friends with each other. Kihyun politely avoids their eyes, hoping to remain unbothered. He hopes for Hyungwon’s sake that he’s better at speaking English than he’d been a year and a half ago.  
  
“Hello everyone!” He hears a familiar voice, calling out to the group in accented English. “Are we all here? Are we all ready?”  
  
Kihyun allows himself to look up for a split second, just to catch a glimpse. Hyungwon is in a black turtleneck, and tight skinny jeans that went all the way up his long legs. A thick coat envelopes his lanky frame. Gloved fingers are wrapped around a short steel pole, a toy hamster hanging off its end. He smiles good-naturedly at the group, his face schooled into his usual enthusiastic-and-knowledgeable tour guide expression.  
  
Everyone looks up with grins, greeting him easily. Some of the younger tourists look at Hyungwon with impressed gazes, their eyes giving him a once-over and coming away satisfied. Kihyun bites back a smile at the predictable reaction. These kids would’ve loved Hyungwon back when he rocked pink hair.  
  
Hyungwon counts the group with practised ease. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. He stops in his tracks at Kihyun. They blink at each other. Hyungwon seems to smile. Kihyun doesn’t know if he should say a word. Then Hyungwon turns away and finishes counting.  
  
“Seventeen. Okay! We’re all here. Welcome to the one-day tour of Seoul! I’m Hyungwon, your tour guide.”  
  
Kihyun breathes again, not realising he’d stopped. He barely hears as Hyungwon continues to talk to the tourists. He’s lost in studying the man, wondering how the past months have treated him. In the harsh wind, Hyungwon almost looks like he’ll fly away. But Kihyun knows he’s the furthest from it. He’d stand against the wind and stay standing when everything else has been blown away.  
  
The group begins to move. Hyungwon is leading them towards the tour bus. The hamster floats in the air. Kihyun follows them, still in a daze.  
  
Hyungwon doesn’t look back in his direction again. Kihyun makes polite conversation with a group of guys about his age, his English still surprisingly fluent after years without speaking it. Together, they climb into the warmth (that was an overstatement – in winter, there is only cold and less cold) of the bus. Having trailed behind, they’re the last ones to enter. Kihyun pads inside and sits by himself in a seat towards the front.  
  
Hyungwon walks up and down the aisle of the bus, making sure everyone is seated and comfortable, handing down bottles of water for the ride.  
  
“Okay! So everyone’s on the bus, I hope we’re all buckled in. Once again, I am Hyungwon, your tour guide for today. Seoul is a big city with a lot to see and experience, and I’ll try to give you the best experience in just one day!”  
  
The bus sets off as Hyungwon continues to talk. Kihyun, vaguely listening, wonders why Hyungwon’s working at this time of the year. It’s the 28th of December – three days from Christmas and three days from New Year’s Eve. Most people chose to spend their holidays overseas, or with their family, or anything but leading a bunch of loud strangers around for the whole day.  
  
“Our first stop will be the Gyeongbokgung Palace, where we will get the chance to see the Changing of Guard ceremony…”  
  
Last night had been a terrible one for Kihyun. His budget hadn’t really provided him with the option of a nice hotel room, leaving him with a cheap one that overlooked a highway. Seoul is not a city that sleeps, even when Kihyun desperately wants to, so he’d been kept up for most of the night. He rubs his eyes. As Hyungwon animatedly narrates to the history of the palace, Kihyun feels himself drifting off. Surely, no one would notice if he took a quick power nap.  
  
When he wakes up again, looking around blearily, Hyungwon has already finished giving them the background information. The bus is still alive with sounds overlapping one another, and Kihyun catches strains of different conversations from everyone.  
  
Hyungwon is asleep when Kihyun looks over to him. His phone is held loosely in one hand, a copy of the day’s itinerary in the other. The toy hamster rests on his lap, hanging off the flagpole that’s on the seat next to him. Kihyun looks at the toy with a fond smile. He still remembers when he gave it to Hyungwon, a benevolent gift to celebrate getting the job at the tour agency. Hyungwon had not been impressed.  
  
_“You really want me to carry you around on a stick for the whole of Seoul to see?” He’d asked. He held the flagpole between his thumb and forefinger, far away from himself as if it was contagious. He rubbed his chin in an exaggerated gesture of thinking. “I don’t know, Kihyun. Seems a little barbaric.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Kihyun shrugged. Despite his dramatic complaints, Hyungwon was already looking at the tiny hamster toy with some affection, petting it reluctantly._ _  
_ _  
_ _“You’re saying you don’t want the whole world to see the love of your life?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Ha, ha. You wish.”_ _  
_  
To see Hyungwon still using the gift after so long made Kihyun’s heart feel a little jumpy. If he were Hyungwon, he’d have thrown it away. Why should he keep this shabby gift, especially after Kihyun had made such a mess of everyone’s lives? But he’s not Hyungwon, and he can’t understand; Hyungwon has always had the innate ability to love, no matter what. To know that he could still deserve that love… He blinks away tears.  
  
An alarm on Hyungwon’s phone goes off and begins to vibrate in his hand, waking him with a start. He looks devastated. Anyone that knows Hyungwon knows that his soulmate is sleep. Kihyun can't blame him, anyway. As a tour guide, he probably had to get his rest in short snatches of sleep whenever he could. For someone who is literally sleepy all the time, all this walking around and early wake times must be exhausting. Still, Hyungwon doesn't whine as he combs through his messy hair with his fingers, and gets his things ready to go.  
  
Kihyun digs quickly in his bag, slinging his camera around his neck. He checks his bag: Nothing missing, nothing new. Good. They arrive at the palace about two minutes later. There's a flurry of movement as everyone grabs their bags, throws on their thick overcoats to get ready for the blasting cold air. Then they're all ushered out of the car. Kihyun lets the group he'd talked to earlier absorb him into their circle again, and joins them at the entrance of the palace.  
  
He'd been here once before, as a kid on a family trip. He'd looked around with wide-eyed wonder back then, surprised at the beauty of the place. It's still beautiful now, its red walls colourful in the dreariness of winter. They stop for a while to take pictures. He just takes the time to look around, smiling at the sights. Hyungwon walks to each family and friend group, cheerfully offering to help them take pictures. Nothing at all to indicate that he'd been devastated to be woken from his short nap.  
  
Hyungwon brings them to a corner, to give them more quick information before he let them roam around. It's interesting enough in Hyungwon's narration, considering he's heard it all before. But then again, it's Hyungwon and Kihyun is interested in most things the man has to say.  
  
"Okay everyone, it's now 10.20 a.m. Let's meet back here at 10.50 so we can watch the Changing of Guard ceremony!"  
  
With that, they're released. Kihyun wanders with the group that had absorbed him for a few minutes, not wanting to be impolite, before he manages to slip away to wander on his own. While people dawdle by the sides, taking pictures and exploring the buildings, Kihyun walks up the wide path leading to the inner entrance of the main building. He’s never been here in the winter, having spent most of his holidays overseas as a kid. It is more beautiful in the colourlessness of the season, almost it should only exist in the winter. Everything is stark; White and red and green, the regal palace contrasting against the pure white snow.  
  
This is how Hyungwon finds him: Squatting unceremoniously in the middle of the main path, camera in hand, face scrunched up as he attempts to take the perfect picture of the scene. He hears Hyungwon’s laugh before he sees him come.  
  
“I see you’re still prone to being a public nuisance,” Hyungwon comments as he stops to stand at Kihyun’s side. Kihyun feels the air leave his lungs. Miraculously, he keeps himself still though every fibre of his being is telling him to explode into pieces and possibly take Hyungwon (who’s only crime was appearing behind him) with him.  
  
“It’s what I was born for,” he jokes in return. His voice is strained.  
  
“I guess it’ll make up for your lack of prowess in other areas.”  
  
“Yeah? Like what?” This feels like a game he’s technically forbidden to play. He takes the bait anyway, hoping his smile doesn’t go too wide.  
  
“Like staying awake when I’m talking.”  
  
Then Hyungwon laughs again, light as a drizzle. A hand is extended to Kihyun. He reminds himself to breathe, and takes it. In the moment, he’s glad their fingers are gloved, the woolly barrier being the only thing keeping him sane. Hyungwon releases his hand once he’s on his feet again. Kihyun doesn’t mourn the loss.  
  
The snowfall gets heavier. They begin their escape into the interior of the main palace building. Kihyun wants to say something, continue the conversation. No words come to mind. (What about “I’m sorry”, what about “How have you been”?) He scrambles for something, to hold Hyungwon before he lost the chance.  
  
A member of their group walks up to Hyungwon, a question on her lips, and he is gone like that. Kihyun breathes a sigh. He stares after Hyungwon as he leaves with the woman. At least he can be comforted by the knowledge that Hyungwon isn’t pretending he doesn’t exist. It’s already more than he expected, after the years of not meeting.  
  
Kihyun leaves before he can be completely frozen, staring at Hyungwon like a creep. He scans the room for the group that had adopted him and rejoins them, following them to a different area of the palace. His heart steadies itself about fifteen minutes after Hyungwon is out of sight. When Hyungwon turns back, Kihyun is gone.  
  
They bundle back into the bus nearly an hour later, all laden with over-priced souvenirs, buzzing about the beauty of the place. Kihyun’s hands are empty of souvenirs; What does a man living in Seoul need them for? He joins in good-naturedly with the discussion about the splendid Changing of Guard ceremony — although a certain handsome tour guide had made it hard to concentrate. He avoids a glance from Hyungwon.  
  
“I hope you all enjoyed yourselves. Isn’t the palace beautiful?” A chorus of replies – this tour group sure is enthusiastic. Chastened by Hyungwon, Kihyun puts in effort to listen this time to Hyungwon’s narration (read: lecture) about their next destination.  
  
“The Changdeokgung Palace was built in 1405, and is a beautiful place rich with Korean history and culture. In 1997, it was declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site…”    
  
Kihyun feels his eyelids drooping and stubbornly holds them open. Hyungwon pauses to drink some water, and Kihyun lets him catch his eye. Rolling his eyes, Hyungwon silently gives Kihyun permission to nod off to sleep. But doesn’t Hyungwon know how he electrifies Kihyun? His eyes close but he trembles with nervous energy – Hyungwon’s here, he’s here and he doesn’t hate Kihyun! – and doesn’t drift off. He tries to calm his heart by keeping his eyes closed to not see Hyungwon.  
  
It’s a slightly longer drive to the next location. Hyungwon doesn’t sit when he’s done talking, and Kihyun is too busy pretending he doesn’t exist to immediately notice when Hyungwon sits on the empty seat next to him.  
  
“You’re not asleep.”  
  
Kihyun nearly jumps out of the seat in shock. But he keeps his eyes shut.  
  
“I am.” He insists stupidly.  
  
Hyungwon scoots a bit closer till their arms are touching. Kihyun burrows further into his coat, hiding his probably-red face from being seen. Hyungwon doesn’t say anything. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Hyungwon pull out his phone. Why did he come to Kihyun? He doesn’t want to ask, afraid it’ll break whatever spell is causing Hyungwon to be with him. But he’s here, and the warmth of his body against Kihyun’s is a huge comfort in the freezing weather. Kihyun doesn’t realise when he’s fallen asleep.  


* * *

  
The world is white snow. It lays in a layer over the roof of the mesmerising Changdeokgung Palace. The whole floor is pure white. The trees are laden with snow. He can’t see beyond the expanse of white upon white upon white. It doesn’t have the noise of Gyeongbokgung, and isn’t swarmed by huge crowds. A younger Kihyun may have found this desolation depressing. Kihyun is blown away now, he wants to run across it and explore every nook and cranny.  
  
He restrains himself. The hamster floats ahead, gathering snow on its head. He can’t hear Hyungwon talking to the group, so Kihyun catches up quickly. He meets Hyungwon’s eyes, and is silently chastised for straggling. He just smiles sheepishly. The past year and a half really had had its effect on him. Nothing like some suffering to make one appreciate every beautiful thing around them.  
  
And on the subject of beautiful things – Hyungwon has finished giving them the information, and tells them to return to the meeting place in forty minutes. Kihyun skillfully evades the (nice but a little overly nice) group that keeps absorbing him. When everyone else has cleared away, Kihyun comes face to face with Hyungwon.  
  
“You come here often?” Hyungwon teases, smiling. He doesn’t give Kihyun time to laugh, exploding into a guffaw as soon as he finishes. Hyungwon smiles, teeth showing, laughing his breathless laugh. Hyungwon always laughs as if he hasn’t laughed in years and he’s making up for it. It fills Kihyun up like air, he nearly floats with the infectious happiness. How did he bear being without Chae Hyungwon for as long as he did?  
  
As always, it takes Hyungwon a while to stop laughing. Kihyun’s heart swells with fondness for him. With an unexpected burst of courage, Kihyun blurts “Can I walk with you?”  
  
Hyungwon’s eyes widen. He nods.  
  
And so this is how today reaches afternoon: With Hyungwon walking just slightly ahead of Kihyun as they explore the palace together, the latter following on shaky feet. Hyungwon leaves a hand trailing behind, fingers slightly upturned. Waiting. Kihyun stares and stares. A few moments pass in silence, Hyungwon giving Kihyun permission to hold his hand, Kihyun refusing. A silent conversation, a silent argument.  
  
_I'm ready to forgive you._

 _  
_ _  
_ _But I'm not ready to be forgiven._

  
  
Then Hyungwon puts his hand in his coat pocket, and the moment passes.  
  
"Hey, you've never seen the Secret Garden, have you?"  
  
They arrive at the back of the palace, to the sprawling pagodas and flowing stream that make up the secret garden. Kihyun could live in the feeling of the place. It feels like emotion  – like whatever you feel here would be amplified and written promptly into a poem. Hyungwon fits right into the image; a poem given life. Kihyun has always loved poems.  
  
He takes a few steps back, camera in hand. The perfect shot sits before him: The beautiful pavillon of red and green and snowy white, the still lake, and Hyungwon shining in the midst of the beauty. It's more than breathtaking. Hyungwon breaks into an embarrassed laugh when he sees Kihyun taking pictures, hiding his face shyly with a gloved hand. Kihyun takes another picture of this moment.  
  
"Looking good, Chae."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
They head to the pavilion together.  
  
Hyungwon looks casual – well, he looks like he’s trying to be casual, which is what makes it decidedly un-casual. With his hands in his coat pockets, Hyungwon strolls with the pretense of ease. Kihyun doesn't point this out. Kihyun tries to be casual too – he nearly starts humming before realising that's stupid, and then resorts to also putting his hands in his pockets. How stupid they must look: Two shivering men, hands in their pockets, waddling along like a pair of very well wrapped penguins.  
  
Arriving at the pavillon makes the situation more awkward. It iwas unmistakably full of couples, all walking hand in hand, pretending the place isn't full of other couples that all look dangerously close to either making out or getting engaged. Kihyun feels the awkwardness creeping up on him. Hyungwon doesn't seem to give a shit, however, and strides to a relatively emptier spot. Kihyun follows him.  
  
"Hyungwon."  
  
Hyungwon looks up.  
  
"Why are you working during the holidays?"  
  
Hyungwon shrugs by way of an answer.  
  
"Why are you touring a city you grew up in?"  
  
Kihyun has no answer for this. Well, he has an answer, but it's a long answer. He's not sure if Hyungwon wants the long answer. So he shrugs too. Hyungwon laughs a little at this gesture. He beckons Kihyun over to sit at the empty spot next to him. Kihyun does so. If Hyungwon has noticed the gap he's left between them, he doesn't mention it. He gestures at the lake below, the shimmering, reflective expanse of water.  
  
"It's beautiful," Kihyun breathes.  
  
The lake is not so still. The winter wind blows over it, and it ripples, distorting the reflection of the trees, the sky, the snow. It feels the way he does. Kihyun resists the urge to find the edge of that surface and pull it taut, make it stay still and be the mirror of the world. He feels this impossible urge. Hyungwon looks at him, but silently, like he'll never have words for Kihyun again. He feels the urge to find the edge of himself and pull it taut, make himself right again.  
  
Why is he touring a city he grew up in?  
  
He's lived here his whole life, he's been a baby and a toddler and a child and a teenager, a boy looking up to his father, a boy falling in love, a boy making the biggest mistake of his life. He always knew Seoul was beautiful. He'd explore the alleys near his house and horse around with other children in their colourful playgrounds. But this place is foreign to him now; He's more used to a siren-like alarm ringing every 7.00am and waking up to grey walls, always too hot or too cold. He'd been in Seoul even then, but it wasn't the Seoul he loved. Both versions, both impossibly visceral, war in his head. He knows both exist – he longs for one but only recalls the other. He just wants to go home – "home" being the general sense of how things existed before he broke it all.  
  
Kihyun doesn't realise he's been crying until he feels a finger on his cheek, wiping something wet away.  
  
"Was it hard in prison?" Hyungwon asks.  
  
Kihyun breathes in a shuddering breath. He nods. Hyungwon wipes another tear away.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
  
So they don't talk about it.  
  
They sit and watch people walking by the lake. Here a couple take selfies, all puckered lips and romantic banter. There, a group of kids chase each other around, daring each other to jump into the lake. Further down, some people from their tour group finally discover the secret garden. So on, so on. Did the kings and queens of the past know that common peasants would be intruding into their palace one day in droves? They would probably be horrified to know, Kihyun muses to himself.  
  
Hyungwon gets up after a while, waved over by a family from their group. Kihyun sees his childhood friend morph back into his amicable tour guide self, approachable and helpful. Hyungwon leaves the pavilion to go to them. Kihyun hears him answering their curious questions, laughs to himself as Hyungwon is laden with their coats and bags while they prepare to take a family picture.     
  
The young child of the family pouts in a contrast to his parents' picture-ready smiles, in silent protest at his goofing around being interrupted just to take pictures. He can relate, remembering the times his parents had plucked him away from his games, ignoring his whining, and adjusted him to a suitable position for picture taking. Of course, now, he probably would have to beg them to ever be in a picture with them again. Especially his father.  
  
  
_If he wants to stay somewhere else, just let it go," his father sighed to his mother._ _  
_ _  
_ _It was 2 a.m. Kihyun sat in his childhood bedroom, staring at the dusty walls, listening to his parents argue about him. It didn't feel at all like he'd been away. If he'd returned from a trip, like from those school trips he used to go on all the time, there would be a suitcase by the bed. There wasn't. He hadn't brought anything with him when he left (was locked away), and he hadn't brought anything back but shame and the newfound need to hide his face from his father._ _  
_ _  
_ _“But he's been away for almost 2 years..." His mother protested. "And he's our son. We have to take care of him. Oh, the poor thing.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“He's a grown man. He can take care of his own messes.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“He's our son. And who else has he got?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Hyungwon, I've got Hyungwon, he wanted to tell them. But he doesn’t – not anymore, not yet._  
  
  
  
Hyungwon hasn't changed much in the past year and a half. His hair is his natural black colour now. It was light brown the last time they'd met. He's taller now, impossible as it sounds. Kihyun has to crane his neck just slightly more than he did before, to see Hyungwon. He smiles more and less now; He's clearly a better tour guide than he'd been, and he's clearly sadder than he'd been. (Is it because of Kihyun?)  
  
Hyungwon hands the camera, and the bundle of clothes and other assorted knick-knacks he'd been given, back to the family. Looking up to where Kihyun sits, he tapped his wrist-watch, reminding Kihyun that it's time to go. The tourists go ahead to their meeting spot. Hyungwon stands where he is, and waits for Kihyun to walk to him.  
  
Hyungwon, he’s got Hyungwon. Maybe.  


* * *

  
Kihyun once read about a thought experiment, or a paradox, or something, called ‘Schrödinger's cat’. The cat in the metal box will remain dead or alive, or dead and alive – he’s not good with specifics –,  until the box is finally opened, to reveal the reality. Kihyun wants to lock the box up and throw away the key, all the better to never see that the cat has died. If he keeps Hyungwon at arm’s length, if he keeps the topic at bay, he’ll never have to see the damage he’s done to them.  
  
But he knows it’s a dick move, and he’s not a dick anymore. So he spends the whole of lunch trying to think of what to say to Hyungwon. He spends the bus ride after that trying to keep from looking at Hyungwon. Hyungwon spends it napping.  
  
The bus ride is calm, everyone having their own private conversations as they head to their next location. Kihyun feels in his pocket for his phone – it’s a new model, one he’d been forced to accept from his mother’s too-generous hands just a few days ago (she wants him to call, but he’s home anyway) – and turns it on.  
  
_I had lunch. It was good._ _  
__I hope that you ate well too_  
  
The message sends with its usual little noise. He knows it’s not much, but it’s all he can manage. His mother will probably be delighted enough at this little gesture, something to prove that her son is still hers. Kihyun rests the phone on his lap and lies back against the headrest of the seat. A few seats away, Hyungwon has entirely drifted off. Not even an army’s cry or even the end of days could wake him, in this peaceful sleep.  
  
The noise of the bus quiets. Kihyun goes over what he should say to Hyungwon — sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry, will you take me back — then lets himself drift off.  
  
The bus lurches. The wheels shriek. A tourist sitting behind Kihyun shouts, surprised. The world spins. Kihyun wakes with his heart in his mouth. Frozen.  
  
In a different year, on a different day, he’s frozen too –  
  
_The wheels skidded on the road, sopping wet from the rain. Everything was noise and chaos and he couldn’t see past his hands, clasped white around the steering wheel. His eyes squeezed shut when the impact came. And the impact came, crashing, crashing– killing. (A car ahead, a woman he would never know – dead.) And he sat frozen, mouth open in a scream that never came, hands still white around the steering wheel, blood running down his neck._  
  
In this year, on this day, on the bus, he gasps and doesn’t breathe. The bus becomes steady again. The man behind him laughs, embarrassed by his own shout. The group breaks into relieved chatter. Kihyun stares down at his hands. Killer. When the bus driver has finished apologising over the intercom, his heart hasn’t stopped racing. _Murderer_. The bus starts moving again. The chatter quiets gradually. Kihyun focuses on his breathing. In, out. Killer, criminal.  
  
“Okay, everyone! Are we all recovered from the scare? We’ll be arriving at Namdaemun Market in about fifteen minutes.”  
  
Kihyun is shaken out of his reverie by a familiar weight on the next seat. Hyungwon doesn’t mention his silent freak-out from minutes ago, but Kihyun knows that’s why he’s here. Hyungwon doesn’t say anything, though. His lips quirk, his hands pat the chair to let Kihyun know he’ll be staying. The bus moves in its rhythm that Kihyun had become used to over the day, a gentle bumping along the road. Hyungwon puts his hand on the space between them, palm up. Inviting, never demanding. Kihyun brushes it with his own hand, but withdraws before their hands can intertwine. Then he closes his eyes and focuses on breathing.  


* * *

Namdaemun Market has many articles and reviews on the internet, talking about tradition and culture and souvenirs to bring home. But the only thing Kihyun can see, stepping out of the bus right behind the floating hamster, is that it’s _crowded_. He sticks close to the rest of the group, trying not to jostle anyone, as Hyungwon leads them to a more open area.  
  
“Welcome to Namdaemun Market! I’ll just give you some quick information, then let you roam on your own.”  
  
“Namdaemun Market was opened in 1964, but merchants have been selling things here since the early days of the Joseon Dynasty! Now, it has over 10,000 shops...”  
  
Kihyun looks around as Hyungwon talks, trying to see what stall to go to first. The group breaks off once Hyungwon is done. Kihyun adjusts the camera strap around his neck and heads in the direction of a colourful shop. Before he reaches, the sound of footsteps behind him makes him turn around. He’s face to face with Hyungwon now, who’s all rosy cheeked and handsome and smiling.  
  
“Let’s explore together.”  
  
The best thing about being all wrapped up for the winter is that Hyungwon can’t see the blush spread across his face. With a nod of agreement from Kihyun, they head in the direction of the shops. They walk in step, side by side, but Kihyun doesn’t say anything. There’s no need to — Namdaemun Market is an infinite well of shops. Everywhere they looked there were enticing trinkets to buy, and everywhere they walked they could hear the sounds of bargains and transactions going on. Kihyun captures these moments with his camera as he walks. Hyungwon stops by a few shops to look at the goods being sold, more often than not pulling out his wallet to buy them without any fuss. Hyungwon had once told Kihyun that he felt bad when bargaining with the hard-working stall owners, even if it’s an expected practice. Even being an experienced tour guide couldn’t take away Hyungwon’s gentle, generous nature.  
  
Satisfied with his purchase at the latest shop he’d been called over to, Hyungwon comes back to Kihyun. He’s already carrying a few bags from random shops, but doesn’t seem to mourn the loss of his money. Kihyun just lets Hyungwon lead him around, taking some pictures whenever they stopped. For all he’d worried about today, for all the fear of meeting and losing Hyungwon, all he can feel now is peace. Hyungwon has always been able to bring him calm. They pass by a row of shops selling children’s clothes, and Kihyun anticipates Hyungwon’s teasing comment before it comes.  
  
“Hey, Kihyun! These look like they’re about your size.”  
  
Kihyun just scoffs, rolling his eyes. A cluster of shops selling camera equipment catches his attention, and he quickens his pace. The shops have a whole diverse array of different photography related tools, and Kihyun is finally ready to open his wallet and transform himself into a master of bargaining. Enticed by a shop selling handy clips for lens caps, he walks further into the shop to see. He doesn’t see Hyungwon’s fond smile as he watches Kihyun’s excited actions.  
  
When Kihyun is done bargaining the price of the clip down to one that wouldn’t eliminate the need for his wallet altogether, Hyungwon has wandered some ways away from the shop. He sees the tour guide chatting amicably with a middle-aged lady, the owner of a stall that is selling colourful, delicate looking jewelry. She looks absolutely taken by his easy manners and charming smile. But then again, Kihyun has yet to meet somebody who doesn’t find Hyungwon charming. He doesn’t honestly think it’s possible. He walks over, brand new purchase in hand, to where Hyungwon is standing.  
  
Hyungwon takes the bag from Kihyun once he arrives, peering into it to inspect his buy. Kihyun loves the familiarity of this action. Like they aren’t broken, like it’s a random date on a normal day. He returns the bag to Kihyun and goes back to looking over the jewelry with polite interest. The snow and the cold has made everything white and drab, so the colour of the jewelry is a welcome change. Kihyun wonders what Hyungwon is doing here, in the cold, when he should be home with his family getting ready to welcome the new year.  
  
Hyungwon comes to Kihyun again, now with a bracelet in hand.  
  
"Why are you working during the holidays?"  
  
If Hyungwon heard the question, he gives no indication of it. Kihyun feels his hand being held, lifted to Hyungwon’s eyes. He holds the silver bracelet over Kihyun’s hands, before smiling and nodding in satisfaction. Kihyun nearly melts at the sight. Hyungwon walks off in the direction of the owner, and Kihyun watches him. Hyungwon has never been a mystery to Kihyun — he’d grown up knowing everything about him, from his love for snacking to his hatred of waking up in the morning. Falling in love with Hyungwon was a natural progression, and being in love with Hyungwon is his natural state. But he doesn’t know him anymore, and Hyungwon hides from him to make it even harder.  
  
_Did something happen with his family?_  
  
If he wants something, he has to give something. At least, this is what he learnt in the past year or so. Hyungwon isn’t the only one hiding. But Kihyun doesn’t even know where to begin, where to find the version of himself that Hyungwon loves, where to find the words to string together the right apology. _I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you, please still love me._  
  
“Here. It suits you.”  
  
The bracelet is held out to him between Hyungwon’s slender fingers. He shakes his head and tells Hyungwon he can’t possibly accept it.  
  
“Just take it as a late Christmas present.”  
  
Kihyun swallows feelings that threaten to overtake him. He shakes his head again. Hyungwon is insistent, still smiling as he attempts to press the gift into Kihyun’s reluctant hands. Tears burn in his eyes, ready to spill over. Hyungwon withdraws when he sees Kihyun’s stricken expression.  
  
“I can’t take this, Won...” He can’t hide the emotional edge to his voice.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I don’t fucking deserve it. I ruined everything, I fucked up so bad and everything was going so well before I screwed up and ended up in prison, and I broke everything, I broke _us_ , I’m so sorry...”  
  
Gloved fingers wrap around his shaking wrist, lifting it gently. Hyungwon clasps the bracelet around his wrist silently.  
  
“It doesn’t l _ook_ broken.”  
  
In the face of forgiveness, Kihyun is silent. He can’t even look Hyungwon in the eyes. Instead he looks down at his hands. These hands that had killed someone, now adorned with Hyungwon’s small gift.  
  
“No, it doesn’t.”  


* * *

  
Kihyun fiddles with the bracelet around his hand as the bus heads off to the final stop. It’s a delicate material, and rests thinly on his wrist, glowing a little in the darkness. He doesn’t know how to be around Hyungwon, he barely knows where they stand. All he knows is that Hyungwon is still here and by his side, looking through the itinerary again before the last stop.  
  
“There’s a half hour till we reach the village. Maybe you can take a nap.” Hyungwon says, the end of his sentence swallowed by a yawn. Kihyun shakes his head. He’s not all that sleepy right now. Hyungwon shrugs.  
  
“Okay then, be my pillow.” Before Kihyun gets a chance to protest, Hyungwon’s head falls like a happy burden onto his shoulder, and he’s asleep. Kihyun sucks in a breath and holds it, wide eyes not tearing away from Hyungwon. He doesn’t move, unwilling to shake him from this peace. Instead, he uses a gloved hand to flick a bit of lint off of Hyungwon’s knee, and closes his eyes too.

 

* * *

 

By the time they arrive at the Namsan Seoul Tower, Kihyun’s shoulder has gone numb. He remains still until the bus stops. When he gently nudges Hyungwon awake, he tries not to melt at the sight of Hyungwon’s eyes opening slowly, a sleepy smile appearing on his face. Outside the bus, the tower is lit with Christmas lights and decor. They exit to a world of white and green and red, New Year banners everywhere, a world in transition between one happiness to the next. It makes Kihyun smile.

 

Hyungwon brings the group to scenic spots near the tower, everyone ooh-ing and aah-ing at the sights. Obediently, Kihyun snaps away with his camera in every place they are brought to. And if Hyungwon is in some or all of the shots, then surely love couldn’t be the answer.

 

“Okay everyone, it’s nearly sunset. I’ll bring you all into the tower and you’re free to look around! When it’s 6, we’ll meet at the top of the tower.”

 

The tourists disperse in their own separate groups, some straggling behind to ask Hyungwon questions. Kihyun waits for Hyungwon, finally sure that he’s wanted. When Hyungwon turns to see Kihyun standing by, he smiles, pleased. He holds out a hand that Kihyun only hesitates a while before taking. He loves Hyungwon, and Hyungwon has forgiven him, and he doesn’t know where that puts their relationship, but that’s okay for now. They walk side by side, exploring the shops and the restaurants in the tower.

 

When they’re seated in a café, waiting for their drinks, Hyungwon finally answers Kihyun’s question.

 

“I moved out a few months ago, and things are still a little tense. So I figured it was better not to go home for the holidays.” Kihyun raises an eyebrow in the pretense of calm curiosity. Inside, he’s full of disbelief. Hyungwon has always adored his parents, and they him. What changed? “Honestly, I just couldn’t deal with them anymore. They– well, they wouldn’t stop making a fuss about you going to prison, and they kept finding ways to keep me from visiting you. I couldn’t take it.”

 

Kihyun bites his lip hard to chase away the urge to kiss Hyungwon. Thankfully, they are called to go collect their drinks right then. Hyungwon offers to grab the drinks, and Kihyun gratefully takes the opportunity to compose himself before Hyungwon returns. Hyungwon hands Kihyun the drink when he returns, and Kihyun takes it with a murmur of thanks.

 

“Anyway, I guess I made the right choice to work instead of celebrating with them. I’d rather be with you.”

 

Kihyun chokes and splutters in response. Hyungwon, true to his nature, laughs in wild delight at the reaction to his shameless flirting. But his eyes are soft. Kihyun knows he just wants to lighten the air, so he lets himself be cheered up — not that there has been a time when being with Hyungwon didn’t make him happy.

 

“I’m glad you’re with me, too.”

 

* * *

 

It’s already dark out when the tour ends. Hyungwon gives a sweet ending speech and some tips about where to have dinner, and other scenic spots nearby that they can visit on their own. As Hyungwon wraps things up with the bus driver and sends him off, Kihyun says goodbye to the group that he’d made friends with. They exchange numbers with him despite knowing they’re probably never going to talk again. When the niceties are over and done with, and everyone has finally walked away, it’s just Kihyun and Hyungwon.

 

“When I was getting ready for today’s tour last night, I had no idea it would go this way.” Hyungwon smiles at Kihyun so he knows he’s not complaining. Kihyun doesn’t honestly know what he’d expected when he signed up for this tour; His only purpose had been to see Hyungwon again after so long.

 

Hyungwon holds out a hand. An invitation, not a demand.

 

“Can I bring you back to the hotel?”

 

Kihyun takes his hand. Was refusing even an option?

 

They spend the taxi ride there talking: about prison, about work, about anything. Words come easier to Kihyun now that he knows Hyungwon doesn’t hate him. Comfort comes easier to them both now that everything is out of the way. Kihyun hopes (prays, begs) that love, too, will come easier soon.

 

At the entrance of the hotel, Kihyun is struck by a burst of courage.

 

“Do you wanna have dinner with me?” He asks, putting up an air of confidence. He’s not ready to say goodbye, not when the only thing confirmed between them is forgiveness. ( _Do you still love me?_ )

 

“No, sorry,” Hyungwon bites his lip, apologetic. Before Kihyun can feel completely crushed, he follows up. “But are you free on New Year’s Eve?”

 

A nod.

 

“Because I was thinking of kissing you under the mistletoe… or whatever.”

 

“That’s for Christmas. You’re about three days too late.”

 

He is rewarded for his wit by the sound of Hyungwon’s laugh (or guffaw) sounding through the air. Kihyun is infected by it, he laughs too. Hyungwon takes just a step closer to him. He can see his breath in the cold air.

 

“Or we could just do it now maybe.”

 

So they do. There are many things Kihyun can get used to, but every time that he kisses Kihyun feels like the first. From timid high schoolers to fresh university graduates to now, kissing Hyungwon always feels like love, feels like home. The past few weeks out of prison feel like nothing, because it’s only in this moment that he’s finally made it home. He’s home, he’s finally home, and he can live in this feeling for the rest of his life.

 

He’s reluctant to let go of Hyungwon’s hand in his, but when he does it doesn’t feel like he’s lost everything. A kiss to his cheek. Hyungwon is as reluctant to part as he is.

 

“Welcome home, Kihyun.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm once again begging for kudos and comments, especially the latter because they make me so so happy!! As always, you can find me on twitter @hyunghoney, tumblr @sakurachae, and curiouscat @hyunghonie!


End file.
